I was searching the Web for news articles to brush up on my straight news writing, when I came across a site that had a bunch of funny news articles. I thought I’d share a few of the laughs with you. Have a great Saturday!
Elderly Man Sued for Stopping at Stop Sign September 9, 2002 – Atlanta, USA
In a case possibly first of its kind, 67 year old Arthur Thompson is being sued by 32 year old Lynn Manaouski for stopping at a 4-way stop sign. In her statement she described how she came up to the intersection leading into her downtown condo, and rear ended the driver in front of her due to his ‘complete and full stop’. She continues to say that of the almost 2 years of living in that particular condominium complex, she had not once been behind someone who had made a full stop at the stop sign, and that his inability to be ‘consistent with typical driving patterns’ caused the accident. As a result, she is convinced that Mr. Thompson is directly responsible for the accident and should be held accountable for all incurred costs of repair to both vehicles. When reminded that it is the law to make a complete stop at a stop sign, her abrupt response was “I am quite capable of deciding when it is a good or bad time to stop my vehicle.”
Worlds Cheapest Tip September 1, 2002 – Arkansas, USA
An Arkansas primary school teacher has been declared the worlds cheapest tipper after ordering more than $250 worth of food and drinks for his wife and self and leaving a 5 rupee tip. Rupee, an Indian currency, is worth approximately 0.02 of an American dollar. When questioned the man replied, “I had just returned from a trip to India and I had mistaken the coins for more valuable American currency.” Relaying this to the offended waitress she responded, “His excuse is weak, since when would you be cracking out foreign coins (that do not even resemble American money) as a tip for a $250 dollar dinner? There is no way with a bill like that you would use coins to tip at the customary 10%-15%, and even tipping at something like 3% would still need bills. His tip wasn’t even a percent!”
Lack of Talent Contest Being Held for Next Batch of Mac Commercials July 22, 2002 – New York, USA
Apple’s new “Switch” television ad campaign, featuring people who didn’t quite know what to do with a Windows based PC that moved to that Mac platform, will continue into the summer season. In order to find actors similarly dense and ignorant to the ones featured in the first batch of commercials, Apple will be holding a Lack of Talent contest. Campaign producer Ted Zielchman commented, “All of the actors we were getting from the talent agencies were too intelligent, and these are people who are usually rejected based on lack of intelligence, so we are faced with a unique problem. I believe though, based on the applicants for the contest so far, we have some likely candidates. Some were unable to even spell their name and had that ‘not so bright look on their face’ – consistent with the first batch of actors we used. The first batch were easy to find, we visited the local district Mac Club. After that we simply had a hard time finding anyone willing to admit being an Apple user.”
Publisher Releases Guide to Kicking Cats July 25, 2002 – USA
The 45 page colour instructional book entitled “Kicking Cats” guides men through the process of kicking cats down flights of stairs without repercussions from their spouse or girlfriends. “It isn’t as easy as one would think to successfully do and get away with”, comments author John Moore. “I was caught numerous times by my at the time girlfriends and eventually became determined to develop a fail-proof process. This book represents years of studying, practicing, research and an estimated 150 test cats. At first I was somewhat alarmed by my dislike for cats, when considering how much my girlfriends and ex-wife liked them. But after talking to scores of other men about my pent up feelings of anger towards cats, I realized I was far from alone. That is why the introduction goes into great detail about the history of cat kicking and some of the current theories on men’s hatred of cats. The secret to a successful kick is to first befriend the cat, building its trust in you. It is when the cat is truly relaxed and comfortable around you that you can then angle it towards the stair case for a mighty punt.”
Man Never Misses Trip To Gym For 5 Years July 29, 2002 – Florida, USA
In an attempt to force himself into a healthy routine of exercise, a Florida man hired a hit man to kill him if he failed to show up to any of his 3 weekly workouts for the past 5 years. “At first I thought the ridiculous membership fees and that ludicrous up front joining fee would make me workout so I wouldn’t waste the money – but that didn’t work. Within weeks I was coming up with all sorts of lame pathetic excuses not to go. So I decided that if money wouldn’t promote me to go, losing my life would. The hit man idea has worked like a charm, maybe even too good. There were some times that I truly would have preferred not to go, like that time I had bronchial asthmatic pneumonia. I’ve never had so much dark green mucus running down my face in my life, you should have seen that treadmill afterwards. But with all its ups and downs, my only complaint lately is that what I originally thought were expensive gym fees have been over shadowed by the high cost of the hit man. Now that I want to stop, I can’t because I told him to shoot me if I told him I wanted to give up.”
I am quite fond of crazy, out of this world theories and theorizing. This hobby of mine began in high school, when I noticed that Koreans have been settling in Baguio and several other parts of the R.P. There are so many of them already to date. The theory I came up with at that time was based on two basic facts:
1. All Korean men are required to serve in the military for at least two years.
2. The Philippine Army’s weaponry and facilities are prehistoric (I mean, the previous government under GMA spent millions to buy aircraft which were remnants of the US Army during the Second World War), hence quite inadequate to defend and impose itself.
The basic premise of my theory was that these Koreans (with mandatory military training) entered the Philippines under the guise of students wanting to learn English. But the fact is that they are spies/soldiers sent to the R.P. little by little, until their entire army is in the country. Of course, the women and children were sent along with them to make their disguise more believable and to make their lives easier as well. When the Korean army finally outnumbers the Filipinos, Korea would send in their arms via giant cargo planes and their fighter jets, and the Korean army planted in the Philippines would conquer our motherland. And it would happen right under our noses. When the Philippine government is overthrown and when the Filipinos have nil chance of victory, Korea would rename the Republic of the Philippines to KOREAN Republic of the Philippines. The free nation our forefathers shed blood for would be reduced to a colony bastardized by a foreign country.
Yes, I know that that theory is outrageous; fear not, I am sane. And if I have any Korean readers, please understand that I am in no way trying to bash or offend you, and to my Filipino readers, I am in no way trying to upset you. But you have to admit that our nation’s strength does not lie in its army, but in the unity of its people.
Recently, I posted a post entitled Alien Theory, which aimed to prove the existence of aliens. The premise was quite simple: the peculiar fashion of this generation’s teenagers is proof of the existence of aliens. Fashion items like shutter shades, jeans with weird and random prints, shiny fluffy jackets, and space boot shoes are actually alien fashion, sent into Earth by the Mother Ship. Those who wear them can be identified by the Mother Ship as their representatives on Earth and to Humanity. A prime representative then, I guess would be Pop artist Justin Bieber.
However, I have made some additions to the theory, that might serve as further evidence of alien existence. I’m sure most of us, if not all, are aware of the Jejemon Phenomenon. The said phenomenon is an unexplainable trend in Pinoy text messaging, in which the author of the text message uses the Jejebet as his main medium of writing, or typing so to speak. The finished message is more often than not, misunderstood by the reader, unless the reader is himself a Jejemon. In reality though, Jejenese (the colloquial term for the Jejemon language ) is a form of alien language devised by the Mother Ship, and sent to their earthly representatives. It is is a language the aliens understand. It is the main medium of communication from earthly representative to Mother Ship and vice versa. Alien communication vis a vis Jejenese. Recently, a dialect of the alien language Jejenese has been discovered: Harharnese. It is a language in which regular human words are spelled up side down, and with numerical figures if I am not mistaken.
Put together, evidence of alien existence are:
1. Mainstream teen fashion
2. Justin Bieber
3.The Jejemon Phenomenon
If this theory is not enough to convince you, I don’t know what will. There have been documentaries on UFOs and alien existence in the past, and maybe you could check them out.
On a serious (haha) note though, I don’t really believe in the Korean invasion or in aliens. But I am not discounting the possibility of both either. Like I said, I am fond of out of this world theories and theorizing. I am a writer after all.
Knock knock jokes, for some bazaar reason, have become popular all over again. It’s like the mid 90′s, only the punch lines are dumber and sappier. The 90′s knock, knocks were dumb, but 2010′s knock, knock jokes are obviously the products of idle minds. Take for example this knock knock from the 90′s:
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Woo.
Woo, who?
Don’t get so excited, it’s just a joke.
Pretty dumb right? Is that supposed to make me ROFL? Compare it to this recent knock, knock:
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Tuna Pie.
Tuna Pie who?
Tuna pie, tuna limit, tuna wall, for a chance to be with you I’d rather risk it all. Tuna pie, tuna fever come what may!
Oh my gosh. That knock, knock had me slapping my forehead. I can only imagine a very, very bored individual coming up with that punchline.
So what’s up with the revival of knock, knock jokes anyway? Is it sort of like fashion, which trends only repeat themselves throughout the years, decades and centuries? Perhaps. I think the phenomenon could be attributed to man’s nature to humor himself, to laugh, and ultimately to pursue happiness, no matter how shallow it may be.
Aside from being a thinking, rational being, man is a joking, laughing being. Proof of this can be traced back in History all the way to the times of Ancient Greeks. Sure, Aristotle, Plato, and other men who shaped the course of modern philosophy are more popular, but there were also comedians like Aristophanes whose works entertained people with laughter. Many centuries later, people were really into drama; the works of Shakespeare, but they also did not dismiss the works of Miguel Cervantes. Besides, I don’t think civilization would have survived without humor (this is me analyzing it in an anthropological perspective).
Anyway, back to the knock, knock phenomenon. I don’t think it’s as big as the Jejemon phenomenon yet, but it sure is getting there. Almost everyday, at every time of day, I hear knock, knock jokes. Grade school students to university students exchange them all the time. Heck, my best friend has so many of them in his arsenal of corny jokes (haha! Only I can be that frank with you dude).
This isn’t a bad thing at all, I think. It’s a trend; people get into it and soon enough, they’ll get over it. Just like they got over everything else: bell bottoms, bedazzled and sequined polo tees, hairspray (welcome to the wax generation dude), etc. I’m just rambling about this because it’s fun to analyze. So let me end with another sappy knock, knock joke:
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Little Manuel.
Little Manuel Who?
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little Manuel. I know, right know you can’t tell…
In theory, I think aliens exist, or at the very least, existed (haha). Proof of this would be a segment of today’s mainstream teen fashion. If you haven’t noticed, jackets look like shiny space suits and shoes look like space boots. Jeans have these weird prints on them, and the sunglasses have shutters across the lenses, which in my opinion have no functional purpose. Alien clothes have seemingly found their way into teenagers’ closets, and are derisory to those who wear them. But on the contrary, some people may actually find them cool. No harm meant if that’s the case.
I’m sure we’ve all heard stories of ghost encounters and haunted houses, and seen pictures with ‘spirits’ uncannily making their way into the background. They’re creepy for the most part (but not totally because we all recognize the power of Photoshop), but they could also be funny too. Like this picture (no editing done on it whatsoever).
You’d mistake my best friend since I was born (literally. We’ve been best friends since nursery), Jonathan, a.k.a Bico the:
EverSoHotEveryGirl’sSupertarDreamboy
(not my word by the way. You can visualize my nose cringe as I typed it), for a bodiless ghost. It’s like his head was slashed off clean with a samurai sword and somehow flashed a smile right next to me. Floated to me, perhaps? No offense, bro. You know how much I love (brotherly) you, but this is too eerily funny to overlook.
As a pastor was visiting an elderly lady in the hospital he noticed a bowl of peanuts by her bed. He began to nibble the peanuts as they visited and by the end of the visit realized he had consumed the entire bowl. Feeling badly he bought a bag and brought them to her the next day. As he gave them to her he explained they were to replace those he’d eaten the day before. “Why you didn’t need to do that Pastor”, the lady explained. “The thing is, I don’t have any teeth, so when my nephew brings me chocolate-covered peanuts. Well, I just suck the chocolate off and spit the peanuts in the bowl.”
Laughter is the best medicine. Let’s all have a healthy Sunday filled with laughs. (colon capital D)
God really blessed humans with a great brain. Man is excellent at coming up with marvelous ideas for the benefit and convenience of his kind. It is amazing how creative and capable us humans can be, to come up with such genius contraptions such as this:
The Aquarium Toilet
Now you don’t have to worry about that expensive aquarium you originally planned to place in your living room. How neat!
P.S.
I wonder how it really works. I mean, wont the goldfishes be flushed out of the tank when you pull the lever?
Ashton Kutcher tweeted: Twilight just seems to bring out the crazy in people , and I daresay I agree. This video is just waay too hilarious. It is incredible how people can get so gaga over things such as Twilight!
L (Mr. Lontoc - Mr. L - L) says thanks for taking the time to drop by H☺☻lΩh☻☺ps™, and welcomes you to his sphere. Hopefully, you enjoy spinning around the loop and learn something worthwhile at the same time.
Since he was a kid with snot all over his face, L has enjoyed story telling and writing. He'd use to come up with fantastic stories on the spot that usually had his adult listeners roaring with laughter.
Because his loving parents recognized his passion for the art, they surrounded him with books and sent him to the University of the Philippines' Summer Arts Workshops where he studied creative writing under the supervision of Cristina Bejar. The workshop nurtured his love for writing, and sharpened his skill as a pen man.
L is a harmless guy who only hurts the mosquitoes that buzz around his head at night and other irritating pests, and he welcomes your feedback and comments. He is also willing to listen to your suggestions etc. However, L does not tolerate spammers. His spam detector makes sure of that. Oh, he also detests plagiarism.
So again, thanks for visiting, welcome, and enjoy! Cheers!
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